So, I was assigned by Atlantis Gaming Group to get an official statement from each of the races on their feelings about the new rule changes. You wouldn’t believe how hard it was to get them all to arrive, but using our considerable clout within the WH40K community, I got dignitaries from every major group.
To keep the delegates at ease, we used a simple room with a single black office desk, some pens, a desktop computer and a Rubik’s Cube.
The Delegate from the Imperium: The imperium deligate showed up and actually seemed quite offended that he had to take time out of his busy schedule to deal with us. Seeing as GW spends so much time and energy on them it’s understandable that they were a bit snooty. I did laugh when he couldn’t figure out the Rubik’s Cube.
Their official statement: “As far as the new rules are concerned, we are in lock step with everything GW does. We just want to say that we think they did an outstanding job with the new rules set, and if you would like to dispute it, just try charging our gunline. We will shoot you to bits!”
At this time he turned a bit purple and drew his laspistol. I narrowly saved the cube from being vaporised, but the desk gained a nasty hole in it.
The Tau Empire Delegate: The Tau delegate walked in and took the seat, eyeing the hole in the desk warily. He didn’t seem interested in the Rubik’s cube, so I just got straight to the nuts and bolts, asking what he thought of the new rules set.
“We of the Tau Empire feel that it’s nice to be relavant again. We believe that the enemy will wither to our focused fire, and eventually be forced to kneel to the will of the greater good.”
After saying this, his eyes glazed over a bit after saying that, then he came two and asked if I had Warhammer 40k Firewarrior on my computer. He stated it was his favorite game. I politely informed him that it was for work purposes only. I kind of felt bad for lying to him when he started to cry. My trained gretchen carried him out and consoled him.
The Eldar: The Eldar dignitary came in and was curt but polite. He picked up the Rubiks cube and started working it while giving his statement.
“While we at one time believed in creating our own rules, and don’t get me wrong, we can still do it. We found that immersing yourself in order is a much better solution than the alternative. (It’s worth noting he shuddered a bit here.) For this reason we support the new rules.”
Before I could ask anything else, he sat down the completed Rubik’s cube, stood up, and walked out.
Dark Eldar: The buxom Dark Eldar delegate walked in smoking a joint and before she sat down she did a line of cocaine on my desk. I thought about telling her it was a drug free workplace, but noticed the splinter pistol at her side and decided on a better course of action. I asked her instead about their stance on the new rules.
The delegate responded, “We aren’t scared like the Eldar to bend a few rules. We’ve done it before and it’s been a blast ever since. Heck if the new rules cause a little pain to the opposition, we are ok with that too.” She eyed the hole in the desk, said something about me being a big boy and asking if I wanted to go back to Commoragh with her.
I politely declined.
The Ork Delegate: The ork came with a few Grotz, one of which started playing with the Rubik’s Cube. I didn’t expect it to solve the stupid thing, but the little guy was working furiously at it. I asked the Ork about the rules change, and got a blank stare. I asked again and it sprung into action,
“We is darn upset about it. We don’t like no roolz, and we iz ready to fight about itz.” He openned his mouth to say more, but the Grotz that was messing with the Rubik’s Cube somehow had turned it into a plasma launcher and vaporized the orc, saving my desk from a blow that probably would have split it in two.
I snatched the cube up and kicked the Grotz out as swiftly as possible. I didn’t want them turning my doorknob into a lazerbeam launcher.
Chaos Delegate: Chaos sent in a delegate to represent both the realm of chaos and the Chaos Space Marines. The Daemonette of Slaanesh they sent was absolutely amazing. She had this aura about her…. Oh yes, the release.
She stated that “The forces of chaos categorically deny any rules as we can rules lawyer them into oblivion.”
I’m not sure exactly what that meant, but she smiled wickedly and just vanished infront of me.
Tyranids: The Tyranids sent a Genestealer named Jean as their spokesperson. Jean seemed quite amicable, and stated that the Tyranids would eat any rulebooks they saw, along with the people carrying them.
He looked at me as if I was next on the menu, and so I zotted him with the cube. I may need to have more of these.
Necrons: Last to show up were the Necrons. Their delegate took a special interest in my computer, and after a few minutes of making modem noises at each other, I broke them up. The Necron looked angry at me (I didn’t think it was even possible) and stated it’s response.
“The Necrons predate any rules you may have, but we have forseen these rules and therefore are already prepared to annhialate any who resist.” In a green energy ball he disappeared.
My computer started speaking and it displayed a Necron head moving with the words. It threatened to kill me.and the mouse started to rear up like a cobra. I zotted it with the Rubiks Cube. It tried to come back, but I double tapped it to make sure it was dead.
*The Squats were unavailable for comment. Apparantly even a new edition of the rules could not make them relevant.